Quote from a female student whose father was enrolling her:

Student: "Can I keep my piercings?"
Me: "No. Your dad will take them all home safely."
Student: "Can I keep the makeup?"
Me: "No, you get to wash all that off right now."
Student to her father: "Dad, I need this place."

I wonder how many times her parents said "no" and she hadn't reacted so well. But the truth is that struggling teens really want to know that they're okay and that they're worth the trouble they feel they've caused.

Students we serve tend to be struggling in their lives because they choose to be irresponsible to their true selves. Many put on an artificial image they've created to convince others that they are who they want to be, that they’re “just fine", and that they want to be left in their space. This image is usually created to provide a defense for a hurt little child, and is structured to deflect anticipated criticism, which they often view as an attack, especially from parents who they regard both as nurturing and authoritative. Parental challenges to their image may result in a pretty unpleasant conversation that usually ends with neither side making any progress.

These teens have bought into an irresponsible version of reality in which being who they really are doesn't hold much useful social value. This belief set is often the result of socializing errors made at a young age in school or in the neighborhood. Its as though they have to sell others an artificial version of themselves because their real selves are of no worth. They really want to fit in and to "belong", but they feel that if they are honestly themselves, they will fail and be rejected.

So they construct an image which aligns better with others in their peer group and adjust it until they believe it fits. During that adjustment they will tend to shift personality styles. If this doesn't work they may even switch peer groups. They work hard to keep their image intact, and may be very difficult with anyone attempting to pierce their phoniness with honesty. It’s as though they’re willing to work so hard to be “right” about being “wrong.” Their need for belonging supersedes their need for self-actualization.

Teens naturally tend to take personal emotional matters more seriously than adults, and for some the negative social experiences are given more weight than they are worth. Adults usually understand that life will frequently present “stuff” which shouldn't be taken too seriously, but teens aren’t always emotionally mature enough to filter out the trash. Some take negative experiences as actual measures of their personal worth, and either store them as “evidence” of low personal value, or use them as an excuse to behave defensively so as to prevent recurrence. In either case, this conclusion becomes embedded in their self-concept over time, and they begin to give more credence to the few events which support their growing negative self-beliefs than they do the majority of events which prove otherwise. They develop the habit of thinking negatively about themselves.

In order to resolve the conflict between the “good” things they hear about themselves and the “bad” things that they believe about themselves they may even be willing to sabotage the positive possibilities in order to be “right.” Parents tend to feel frustrated at their inability to inspire the greatness they used to see in their child. But external approaches to improving self-esteem have little to no effect against negative beliefs embedded in a teen’s self-concept.

As these teens begin to experiment with destructive behaviors which conflict with who they really are, they develop a level of guilt which can only be resolved by either a change in behavior or a change in their belief about that behavior. And since negative behavior supports their negative self-beliefs, the guilt can be temporarily resolved by deepening the negative belief. And a deepened negative self-concept provides fertile ground for deepened negative behavior. These teens may begin a spiral downward which may only stop when they are physically removed from the circumstances and placed in an environment where the negative beliefs are constructively and consistently challenged. Negative behaviors become extinct through the re-introduction of personal honesty and the feelings of personal worth and personal power which it fosters. Teens who believe they are worthy are much less likely to do things which show that they aren't.

Our approach in working with new students is to maintain an environment rich with positive experiences which provide a powerful positive influence on their self-concept and which allows students plenty of opportunity to nurture their true positive selves. We bring a wide range of therapeutic techniques to the fray to assist students in developing a responsible self-concept.

Since all behavior is communication, we look for the messages which each student is trying to convey by their behaviors, and show them how personal honesty is a more successful communicator and leaves them totally free despite any feared consequences. Many of our students have felt that there may be a social risk to honesty which would create more relationship pain than success. So personal honesty is taught as a means of acquiring and maintaining true freedom: the honest never fear that anyone owns a piece of their soul.

As students become honestly accountable for their past behaviors and their ownership of the negative beliefs which supported those behaviors they begin a rebuilding process which not only provides a new and fresh point of beginning, but which also teaches, through intensive and repeated experience, that such rebuilding is the continuous path to improvement and a better life; that “becoming” is the process and life’s struggles are a valuable part of the training. That perhaps the only way out of struggle is through it. As students become involved in the rebuilding experience and feel the difference in their lives, they become passionate about becoming instead of just taking, and spontaneously begin assisting those around them in this inspiring discovery process.

The ultimate goal for each of our students is to know and understand that it's okay to be wrong (that is, to make mistakes, even painful ones), to realize that if we simply do what we are naturally inclined to do we will make more mistakes and hurt others more than if we create realistic and responsible behavioral boundaries which honor our selves, and that we honor ourselves when we take responsibility for repairing the damage we've caused through irresponsible choice.

To assist our students in moving through the process as quickly as possible - to provide the maximum effectiveness in the minimum time - we provide powerful personal growth seminars to “supercharge” the process. An awesome parent-level set of these same seminars is available to parents to back these students when they return home. Visit our Additional Resources page for information on these seminars for parents.

If you or your child’s therapist have any questions regarding the details of our therapeutic approach, you may contact me at the telephone number listed on our Tuition & Enrollment page.

Dr. David M. Thomas, M.S. Psy.D, Doctor of Psychology, Suma Cum Laude
Executive Director